Thursday, November 09, 2006

It is Creeping Up on Me

It is hard for me to write this, but I'm depressed. I have no reason to feel like this-I have a wonderful life, and I am happy. Yes, I am happy and depressed at the same time. I've been dealing with it for a while, but it is usually under control. Here's a little background about it.
Anyway, I kind of weaned myself off of zoloft. I don't think I've taken it for 1 1/2 months.
I am pretty in tuned with when I feel it coming on. Well, I say I'm pretty in tuned with it, but Josh would probably say otherwise! He notices it before I do, but he never says anything until I do. Can't say as I blame him-I wouldn't want to be the one to tell me I was acting depressed again!
A few weeks ago, my mom and her two friends were here to visit. It really threw our schedule off. Keira still hasn't gone back to her normal sleeping habits. I think this is when it all started. Having them here stressed me out because our house was crowded and we just have different lifestyles, so it was just kind of uncomfortable. (that is a whole post in itself)
At the same time, my dentist was having an open house and I was in charge of EVERYTHING, which also stressed me out a bit. I like to think that I am really easy-going and that nothing really phases me. For the most part, I am pretty damn easy to get along with and I am easy-going, so it makes me feel weak when I get this way.
Chances are, if I would've stayed on my zoloft, I would have had a "buffer" for when I got stressed out, but since I decided that I didn't need drugs, I've been slowly feeling more and more lethargic and less and less motivated. I don't think I noticed it until Sunday or Monday. I started taking my pills the next day.
I know that my depression is mild in comparison to most-I've NEVER felt suicidal and I have always kept up with my "outside" life-you know work and whatnot. However, the minute I step into the house, I want to either run to bed, lay on the couch, or take a bath. The bath sometimes is too much work... I am exhausted all of the time, even at work. I'm very sensitive. I hate when Josh leaves me. It was especially bad the first time, after Night was born. I would practically cry on the phone, telling him he had to come home. I still get that way, it isn't as bad, though, I don't think...
I'm on track for snapping out of it, though. I've taken zoloft twice. It won't kick in for a week or so, but I can kind of feel it making me better. Maybe it is all in my head, but isn't it what this depression shit is anyway?
I haven't been able to follow the biphasic sleeping schedule because I've been so tired. Also, a big part of biphasic sleeping for me is to be productive when I wake up in the middle of the night. Since I had no motivation to be productive, I saw no reason to get up!
I'm getting back on track tonight, though! I've learned my lesson-I still need the drugs!!
What a depressing post!! It is actually supposed to be uplifting because I feel a bit better. I haven't been able to write about this until now, so I guess that is a good sign!


Anna said...

You've already gone past the hardest part, realising it is there in the first place, writing about it will help too.

Once you have things under control, maybe try to recognise the triggers before you get to them to manage your stress.

If that doesn't work, send me a massive long email, vent everything, you'll feel a lot better!

Love you, Ed.

Kat Coble said...

Not for nothing, and I know this is simplistic, but the fact that you can acknowledge your depression for what it is will definitely make it easier (marginally) to deal with.

People who can't cop to being depressed are drowning in quicksand.

Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do.

Malia said...

I've been where you are and I still go back from time to time! I was on Zoloft for awhile after I had both of my children. Both times I went off of it on my own only to have to go back to the Dr. and get the prescription refilled! I remember when my Dr. put me on the Zoloft she said my husband would probably notice the change in me before I did and she was right! Plus he always knows when I'm slipping before I do and vice versa. My husband is chronically depressed. For the past several months he's been working on identifying those triggers that send him spiraling and working on not staying there, in that dark place, when he's down.

Depression is a mess but you can not get down on yourself about it. I know I'm not your doctor, (I'm not anybody's doctor!) but I would say, stay on the meds for awhile longer and and then talk to your Dr. about going off of them.

And I second Kat, please let me know if there's anything I can help you with!

Tessa said...

As a psychologist in training who practices in a medical setting, I must say there is nothing wrong with taking antidepressants! ;) I know that people get down on themselves when they cannot successfully wean off the meds, but in all likelihood you will be able to at a later time. Also, I don't know how much info you've been given, but it is really important to take your antidepressants consistently as they take up to six full weeks to properly build up in your system. I get some people who think they can take them like aspirin (just when it hurts), but unfortunately they don't work like that. The good news that antidepressants are not addictive. They simply do not have that chemical property like, say, Xanax (benzodiazepines). There are also other behavioral activities that can be done to help alleviate depression, but since I always ramble on your blog I think I'll stop for now. ;)

Mari said...

I appreciate your rambling, Tessa! Everyone has been so nice-thank you for the encouraging words. I know it'll get better. I just have to fight the urge to SLEEP ALL THE TIME until it does!