Sunday, November 26, 2006

Working Theory

Ever since the day after the kids came back, I've been struggling with my depression again. It is a bit saddening because I know that by now my pills have kicked in, and I'm still feeling this way-that hasn't happened before.
This recurrence has made me feel like a horrible mother. I LOVE that my kids are back, and I have been enjoying them immensely; however, I still feel sad. I feel unable to do anything but sleep. I am worrying more and more about our finances, yet I am starting to dislike going to work. Before, I enjoyed work (you know, as much as one can enjoy work) even though I didn't like leaving my family. Now, I see work as a place that is making me leave my family, even though I just feel like sleeping when I am with my family!
I'm trying biphasic sleeping again (weird schedule got me off it for awhile, then depression...) because I love the way I feel when I am on the schedule, but I find that when it is time to get up from my nap, I don't see any reason to do so-I should clean, do pilates, be with Josh, work on my photo album, read, etc, but I don't feel like doing any of these things, so rather than get up, I just stay in bed even though I'm not necessarily tired.
So, after all the complaints, here is my working theory:
Before I left for Austin, I wasn't depressed at all. I was quite happy and busy. I was preparing for Austin and preparing the kids for their trip to Indiana. I was very happy in Austin. I even forgot to take my pills in the morning (now I never forget-it is one of the first things I think of in the morning, even though I don't feel any different after I take them; I just don't want to regress). After returning from Austin, I was looking forward to the kids returning. I cleaned the house, and watched some shows that I knew would be interrupted once they returned. Then they returned. I loved it, but now what do I have to look forward to?
I noticed yesterday when I went back to the restaurant for work, I was happier-I think it was because I was busy. I'm not the same kind of busy at the dentist's office. I tried to keep up being busy once I got home from the restaurant, but I didn't really want to be busy-I was tired!
So, my theory is that my depression will lessen when I find something to look forward to, and when I keep myself busy-but is that any way to live? I would like to be able to relax...
ugh.
any thoughts?

4 comments:

Anna said...

When time apart from your family makes you feel guilty, and you need to find something to look forward too, why don't you plan excursions on the weekends with them? There must be heaps of things you can do around Nashville which are not expensive and give you quality time with your 3 favorite people?

Kat Coble said...

Do you knit or crochet? Those both help with depression in that they keep your hands busy and serve the same physical functions as yoga. Yet they aren't as tiring and you can do that while you watch TV.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I want to encourage you and say that you are not alone! Depression happens to nearly everyone at some point; it is the most common thing that I see in my patients/clients. I wonder if it is the busy-ness that kept you from being depressed or if it was the thought of an activity you would enjoy (the trip to Austin). The busy-ness of working at the restaurant may be keeping you from thinking about something that is making you unhappy. Is there something in your life that you are unhappy with- jobs, etc.? Are you disappointed with where you are in life? Do you have a family history of depression? Your depression could have a genetic/biological cause or it could be due to situational factors. Or both. LOL! I know that you have posted in the past about not having much social support friends-wise, and one recommendation that I would make is to find enjoyable ways to increase that social support. I would also recommend getting back to exercising (pilates). If after six weeks your antidepressant is not sufficiently working, do go back to the doctor and tell him. He should increase your dose. This can be sooo hard since everyone is different in terms of what antidepressant and what dosage works for them. Okay, enough rambling. Now do you see why my blog has 'rambling' in the title???

Mari said...

I don't knit or crochet, but maybe I'll take it up. I've been taught how to do both, so it should come back pretty easily I would think!
I'm going to try getting back into my pilates tonight...It is one of those things-I know I need to do it, I just can't bring myself to do it. I have a doctor's appointment next month, so by then I'll be able to better tell how I'm doing.
Thanks guys!