Monday, January 08, 2007

Guilt

I've been feeling guilty lately about going to work. I know that part if my guilt stems from my desire not to be at work (convenience guilt?), but Night has been more and more adamant about my staying home, so that makes going to work even more difficult.Before we had children, I told Josh that I didn't want to stay home with the kids. I guess my reasoning stemmed from the fact that my mom stayed home, and I honestly felt that she could've done more with her life. (that sounds bad-there I go feeling guilty again-guilty for talking bad about my mom...) I now realize that my mom could have done more with her life-but it didn't really have anything to do with being a stay at home mom.

After my brief (but oh so long) bout as a day care teacher, we both decided that there was NO WAY that our children would be staying in daycare. I always felt so bad for the kids who got shuffled from one parent, to the teacher, and then to the other parent, never really getting to bond with any of them; not to mention all the GERMS.

Having more than one day off a week (Christmas, New Years) has made Night realize that it is good when I'm home, so then he asks me just about every day: "What are you doing tomorrow?" Since it is usually either, "Going to work with Dr. or Going to work at the restaurant (which he compares to The Krusty Krab)" he then says, "No! Why do you have to go to work?" Although a very touching sentiment, it is also heart-wrenching. I want to stay home with my babies. I don't want to miss out on fun activities with the kids. I want my house to be organized and clean. I want to plan learning experiences for Night and Keira. On the flip side, I enjoy working (well-usually...). I shouldn't feel guilty. Without my working so much, we couldn't pay bills and have nice things. I need to work. It is a part of life. Could I even handle being a stay at home mom? I'm not sure. I took Keira to Barnes and Noble last night and I felt like a horrible mom-I was the one that everyone stares at and gets all annoyed with because the kid is either screaming or getting into everything. Maybe I COULDN'T handle being the one at home.

See here? Now I feel guilty for maybe not being woman enough to stay home with the kids? What is it about guilt, and how do I get away from it?!

3 comments:

Kat Coble said...

I think no matter what you do, you'll always feel guilty about something. If you work full-time you'll feel guilty about missing something at home. If you stay home full time you'll feel guilty about missing something in the bigger world.

It's the kind of thing where you just have to make peace with your choice. And it's probably the kind of thing you should talk about with Night when you get the chance. Little kids understand stuff.

Mari said...

I agree with you, and for the most part, I'm very happy with my decision to work full-time. I just waver a bit every now and then!

superrelish said...

I think that having the guts to work a 'real job' (or 2) and be a full time mum is amazing.

I know that I look forward to going to work, just for adult company and a chance to talk about what the kids are up to. Then I really look forward to getting home from work to see them again.

I am the first person to admit that I am a much better mum when I have work! The kids seem to know it too, the more time we all spend together, the grouchier I get. When I am home with the kids on a 'day off' or on the weekend, those days are special for everyone.